SUBSTITUTE.

Lately, I've come to a realization that every experience I had with a boy, I was always the substitute. A very sad realization. :'(

I had a boy best friend when I was in my junior year of high school. It was the first time that I ever got one. =)) Anyways, we were really close. Months passed and the teasing began. We were always linked. At first, I didn't really see him as a crush or anything. He was just really playful and good around girls. But then, I started noticing him 'cause he was good in Math and the guitar. Every night, we would tease each other in Y.M. The conversation always lasted like an hour or more. He said he liked one of my friends so I always teased him. Of course, I was kinda hurt but it was okay. It was always like that.

But then, rumors started spreading that he had a crush on me. I felt kind of happy then. But our relationship did not go to the next level. We still remained best friends. Our Christmas party drew nearer and I planned to give him a gift. Actually, I always gave gifts to all my classmates but of course, I made his a special one. I came to the party earlier than him. When he came, he immediately went to one of his friends. He was showing them a cute jacket. I was feeling a bit nervous then. But not because I was thinking it was for me. Then I heard him ask help from his friend to write a letter. And BOOM! I heard the girl's name. Of course, it wasn't me.

After that, I just ran to the bathroom and cried my heart out. I didn't tell a soul about what I was feeling. Eventually they found out and everyone was eager to know why I was crying. They already had a clue. It was my mistake to cry like that. In the first place, nothing was going on between us. I made such a big deal about our closeness. I really regretted doing that kind of scene.

Dance night came and I still kept on crying. No one could comfort me even my best friends. Some guys asked me to dance but I was really in no mood at all especially when I see the two of them dancing so close to each other. My heart was really broken then.

The next day, our section planned on going to an amusement park. We used our car to get there. Obviously, he was there. During the trip, we were paired up. He was my partner of course. In the course of our stay in the amusement park, he was awfully sweet towards me. It was as if there was something between us. And when we were about to end our visit there, he held my hand. I was shocked but happy. And he bought us a pair of baller each. And a pin. It was like a couple's baller and pin.

But after that incident, he became cold towards me. I found out that he still could not replace the other girl with anyone. It was like he just used me to confirm his feelings for her. I was in total disarray after that incident. I hated his guts. I cried every night. My eyes were sore every morning I came to school I lost my friends because of him. I REALLY HATED HIM. I burnt the baller and the pin he gave me.

That was two years ago and now a boy has yet again entered my life. His older than me by 3 years. We have been acquaintances for a year now. We rarely see each other then but now, we usually do. He hasn't actually told me he like me but he treats me with care and love. He usually texts and chats me. He accompanied me home once. We treat each other very nicely. The only problem is... He already has a girlfriend.

Yes. What we are doing is wrong but I can't help it. I like him. WHAT TO DO?

I feel as though I am yet again being a substitute. I don't want to repeat the same mistake but... ><